If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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