OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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