I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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