Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize