The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize