I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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