I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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