Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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