If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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