im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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