She is in my trunk
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
