Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
