we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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