in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
