She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
