Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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