wanna go halves on a baby?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
