Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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