the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
