From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
