my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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