She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just had sex bonerless
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Randomize
