i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
