Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize