We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
