LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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