i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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