how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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