Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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