My sheets look like a crime scene.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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