Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
