im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
