I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
