I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize