i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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