Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just gargled with NyQuil
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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