It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
