he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
