Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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