end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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