I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize