I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
