someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
