3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
