official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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