Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
