i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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