I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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