She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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