he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
