WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
