I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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