I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
