sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
