So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
