You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize