I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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