Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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