I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
