and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
