If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
