note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
