Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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